The second codependent agreed to this condition, as codependents do, green grass and flowers, just meant for lovers who wanted to stroll together, side by side, met the same way, (through their partner) the relationship is codependent *. In a codependent relationship, both individuals are codependent — not just one, no matter how extreme one member of the couple may seem to be. In the. If the codependent is in a relationship with another codependent, the two may go in circles trying to be the other's caretaker but never taking care of themselves.
Since the breakup I have been in search of answers.
The most important question is, of course, why? My friends have told me I may never get an answer. But I know what I felt, I know what our relationship meant. I felt it deep down. We loved each other. Today I came across an article by Robert Burney, a non-traditional, non-clinical therapist. Much of what I write in this entry will be in reference to his theories on codependency, so check out his writings here.
This is a person who is a people-pleaser, someone who can go along with what others say easily, who can wear a mask and march to the beat of many different drummers.
A codependent, above all, wants to be accepted and loved. Their sense of self is dependent on what others think of them. Codependents have trouble asking for things they need in relationships out of fear of being rejected.
They rarely get mad at others because they fear losing something — whether that is a friendship, a lover, a job, or a parent. I am a codependent. What I have just described as codependent behavior has played out in every relationship in my life. There are three people in this world I can get mad at and not fear them never talking to me again — my parents and my best friend of 15 years.
However, while growing up I rarely got mad at my parents or best friend. The wounding runs deep for a codependent person. Inevitably, the only cure is self help usually with the guidance of someone who's walked the path but until the real work is invested in and gotten through, it's likely a codependent will find someone else in hopes that they'll fill her voids in all of the uncomfortable ways they were created in the first place.
Of course, they aren't conscious of this at the time of the search. When we grow up with authority figures that create voids in us, our voids are all we can feel. Because we're subconsciously taught that our feelings and experiences don't matter, we're unable to feel anything at all except the emptiness of our voids.
Our voids become the only things that feel "real" to us. Effective soul and self work brings us to a place where we realize the void, the emptiness, wasn't there in the first place. The very things that made us question our existence, our right to have, love, and be in life, were actually the absence of the substance of what makes us, us.
Our voids are the result of each time we were asked to abandon ourselves for the sake of someone else's experience.
We went invisible, we maintained peace, and in essence, literally, lost ourselves. Losing ourselves is a funny dissonance because no matter how far down the rabbit hole of invisibility and self loathing we go, we can always hear our inner voice that's screaming to get out of the hell hole we've stuffed it into. We're not lost, we're just not "here. Sadly, most of us find people who will literally provoke us into coming out, rather than invite us softly.
Codependency and Counterdependency: When Two Abandoned People Try to Love | Dating Dicks
We find people who'll turn us on in not-so-productive, out of control ways, which feel like a kitten playing with a yarn ball for a while because secretly, we like being out of control after years of stuffing ourselves into hiding via pseudo control. Except, we end up the kitten who ties herself up in the yarn who ends up choking herself with it because we don't know how to not be consumed by the relationships we engage in, until our real work is done. We can't be the kitten and the yarn.
The yarn that initially looked like an adventurous play date that we end up choking ourselves with, usually shows up in the form of a narcissist. Now, put two codependents who're looking to fill their voids together and it's somehow like the opposite ends of magnets, chasing each other where one is pushing the other away while the other follows, magnetic as ever, but never able to fully get it right.
If only the magnets would face each other, they'd fit into place perfectly. Two people under this paradigm likely don't even know they're manifesting a co-dependent waste land because they likely don't know their collective codependence is keeping them from the thing they really want, which is likely, actually, the other magnet.
Or at least the potential of knowing what it feels like to face each other in a connected way. Relationships never start out as a game, they just end up that way. The game, is what the codependents both try to navigate the second the relationship feels uncertain.
It's taken out of the flow of intimacy and all of a sudden, requires management and strategy in a game we think will be the only way to "win" over the other person, but the game is actually the thing keeping us "from" the other person, truly.
Because codependents have likely lived under the thumb of someone else's insistence, assurance, and oppressions, as uncomfortable as it is to be invalidated by people outside of ourselves, we're most comfortable being told by someone else how it's ok for us to be, think, and feel in order to consider ourselves worthy of their love.
Or, anyone's love for that matter. Put two codependent people together who are used to being told who and how to be for the sake of everyone else, and they'll both subconsciously, helplessly, expect the other person to pull rank and put them in their place. Except, in this situation, two things can happen. One, they're both evolved enough to know pulling rank ends us up with zero intimacy so neither pull rank, make concrete decisions, and the relationship fizzles out, having never fully started in the first place.
Navigating Co-dependency | Debbie Klugger
Or, worse yet, the codependents will get together and by default, will see that the piece missing in their relationship is the "pulling rank" role and one of them will play it which will likely be either too submissive, or too assertive, which will end the relationship up, yet again, in a situation of hierarchy who's roles look like that of a codependent and a narcissist though likely not as extreme. This is the difference between bipolar II and bipolar I in severity, diagnostically speaking.
Two cats playing with a ball of yarn, both of them, secretly hoping to enmesh themselves up in it to stay warm, to be in a tight enough space to feel safe, and they forget to play with each other while they play with the yarn that's provoked them to the point of choking on themselves most of their lives.
They're both looking to the yarn to dictate how this game is going to end up, because hey, the yarn is a fun distraction from having to actually face each other.