How to turn your emotional baggage into dating success
Let's face it: We've all had the oh-so-delightful experience of dating someone who had too much emotional baggage. Unfortunately, it's often not until you're. But baggage doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is destined for It's not a bad thing to take a chance on someone who has “issues.” Don't. It gives them reassurance because getting attention and possibly the offer of another relationship from someone else must mean that the.
Often in the process of trying to protect yourself, you carry around your emotional baggage and crush your future relationships under that massive weight. So instead, I want to show you how you can do your best avoid future pain without poisoning your relationships along the way.
How emotional baggage manifests in new relationships When you cautiously begin new relationships, your underlying fears influence those connections. You feel you have to protect yourself at all costs. You might be worried your new partner will… Use you for sex. So you decide to withhold sex and use it as a weapon. You make your partner wait just to prove a point or hold it over their head with strings attached.
Overlappers: They start a new relationship before breaking up with you
You go hot and cold with intimacy. You constantly stop intimacy from happening, even if you want itin case you might get hurt. You try to prevent them from having their own independent lifestyle.
Or you guilt them while they are independent and make them feel bad for not always being with you.
As a result, you constantly test their commitment. You make them reassure you all the time about how they feel about you. You seek sweeping promises proving their devotion. You accuse them of being dishonest. You set them up for failure and then try to catch them in a lie. These can all feel like valid self-protection mechanisms. But I promise you, they are destructive and will only sabotage any chance of creating a healthy relationship. You can never really protect yourself You might engage in the actions above because you think you can somehow prevent yourself from being hurt again.
An inevitable consequence of love and lust is emotional pain along the way. If someone wants to be a jerk, cheat, or hide something from you — they can find a way.
I know a girl who waited months to share any kind of intimacy with her new partner. She thought it would make her more valuable in his eyes. Once they started having sex, he broke up with her soon after because of her emotional unavailability. After she finally broke up with him, he started dating another girl who was crazy about him.
But he was so worried and insecure from his previous girlfriend that he needed constant validation. He needed to hear how much she cared about him on a daily basis. His neediness soon became too much for his new girlfriend and she left him for it. When I was a teenager, I was terrified my girlfriend at the time would leave me or cheat on me.
I acted jealous when she saw other friends. I wanted her to spend every single minute with me. It makes you wonder what was real and what was fake. We feel deeply attracted to someone, and we know that we cannot continue as is.
Some people know that their feelings have changed without having any physical overlap. Many people have experienced at least one emotional overlapping at some point. And a lot more people than would probably admit it have started a new relationship before ending their current one. They felt deeply conflicted, guilty and even ashamed at the time, and sought to end their existing relationship as soon as possible.
They reopen negotiations with their ex behind your back. For example, the woman who overlapped one of my friends took over her old job, then played supportive friend to her then boyfriend. Andersen believed we do this because we seek what was missing in past relationships — instead of running from someone who reminds me of an unaffectionate ex, I form a relationship with a new person hoping to gain what was what was missing.
But this only serves to confirm my existing working model of myself as unlovable and of potential partners as unaffectionate. There are ways to prevent this from happening. How you can take charge Sometimes, past negative experiences can sow the seeds for healthier future relationships.
For example, the period following a breakup is important because it may lead to personal growth and development. In fact, some people may make the greatest changes in their lives following a period of stress or crisis after a breakup.
This could change how reliant they are on themselves and other people, make them form closer bonds with family and friends, or even change life priorities.
One study found that the experience of a recent breakup resulted in personal growthwhich the participants believed would help them form more positive relationships in the future. But you do not need to experience a breakup to begin forming healthier relationships. While there are no quick fixes, developing a clearer picture of your working models and how these might be affecting your relationships is a good starting point.