8 Ways to Get Out of the Distancer-Pursuer Communication Pattern -
The Distancer/Pursuer Communication Pattern is the most common type In the early stages of their relationship, Stacy and Ron spent a lot of time together. Nothing says let's fight more by bringing up all the issues that you. As a relationship therapist and couples counsellor, I've seen a number of common The first thing the pursuer needs to do is to find ways to stop the pursuit. How to Avoid the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern in Your Relationship Her frustration shows as she begins to criticize him and he fights back for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure.
In fact, sometimes couples switch up positions in the said pattern once in a while. Strong relationships are able to deal with such distress with unrelenting respect and discernment.
This is because, both parties are aware of their undesirable conduct, hence are left no choice but to amend it for the sake of salvaging their relationship.
Most marriages crumble because, partners sometimes become engrossed in their pursuer-withdrawer roles.
The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
And in the event that the situation does not change for the best, both of them begin to feel condemned and feelings of disdain for each other begin to crop up. These two signs, according to Dr. Gottman, indicate that their marriage is bound to flop. How does the scenario look like?
She would like that he communicates with her often. She also desires that he is less guarded so that they get to connect with each other, as this will help them cope. He keeps on drawing further every time his spouse makes demands. In return she begins to feel defeated and it begins showing as she now starts condemning him. In return, he combats this by being protective, and he ends up building walls around him. This ends up infuriating the wife, and she results in being snobbish.
She does not comprehend why he does not acknowledge that he is at fault and how headstrong he is. The man on the other hand, does not understand why she is not aware of how prejudiced her claims make him feel. He feels like he is no longer ideal for her. However, if this finesse exhibited in pursuing were to be used in mending the relationship, instead of self -seeking, then lots of relationships would flourish.
Why is this research by Gottman and Hetherington paramount? It is meant to prevent individuals from experiencing a series of bad relationships in the course of their lives. The research also brings to our knowledge daily occurrences of ordinary relationships and words, traits and emotions that result in relationships coming to a halt.
For your relationship to flourish, you need to be guided by the insight given in this research. It will assist you make a choice on how to respond to the pursuer-withdrawer scenario, in the event that it happens in your union. Pursuers ought to cease pursuing From the couples counselling conducted by Dr.
Lerner, he points out that pursuers tend to be in more stress about the drift and are more inclined to amend the pattern. He advices the pursuers to call off the aggressive pursuit by incorporating other methods of connecting with their spouse. Lerner goes further to warn distancers against this trait as it tends to exhaust their partners over time. As a result, some end up walking out of their relationships or marriages.
Yet, there is nothing left of their relationship that can be salvaged. What needs to be done The first step to healing is, both partners need to acknowledge that things are not right in their relationship.
They should also be able to pinpoint the causes. The detacher must be aware of why they are being distant. They should also get to understand that their partner is pursuing them because they are afraid of losing them or are afraid of being deserted by them.
Are you the pursuer or the distancer? In order to feel secure and cared for, pursuers want and need attention, closeness, and affection with their partner. They place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings and feel personally rejected when their partner needs some space.
As a result, they may ask many questions, make complaints, or criticize their partner to try to establish reconnection. The underlying need is for deeper connection and reassurance.
Unfortunately, due to her reactive behaviours, the pursuer may inadvertently push her partner away, thereby creating more distance. Distancers tend to seek emotional distance and physical space when stress is high. They enjoy independence and autonomy and are much more likely to become quiet and turn inward when feeling anxious in relationships. They have a low tolerance for conflict tending to manage their personal relationships by intensifying work and activities outside the relationship.
While the distancer actually does want and need connection with his partner, the consequences of his avoidant behaviours provoke criticism, which leads to further withdrawal.
Relationship saboteurs: the pursuer-distancer dance -
Recognizing the need for intimacy and independence We tend to attract into our lives, people with characteristics that we have unconsciously disowned. Pursuers pursue intimacy, unaware of their need for autonomy. Distancers seek autonomy, unaware of their need for intimacy.
To have a more workable relationship, they each need to develop a bit of the opposite quality to balance their one-sidedness. In order to break the cycle and transform the pursuer-distancer pattern into a healthy relationship, both partners need to find their own balance between solitude and connection.
In essence, each partner needs to be able to be alone and also to connect with others. Strategies for the pursuer The pursuer is usually the one in more distress about the distance, and therefore more motivated to change the pattern.
The first thing the pursuer needs to do is to find ways to stop the pursuit. Because pursuing is typically a way for the pursuer to seek external soothing from others, it is important that she learns ways in which she can meet her own emotional needs.