Happy Gilmore Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Adam Sandler movie
Happy Gilmore () Ben Stiller as Hal L. - Orderly in Nursing Home. Quotes. Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts. Happy Gilmore Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Adam is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Adam Sandler. If you enjoy funny movies and one-liners, Happy Gilmore is for you. Enjoy these movie quotes with the best of Adam Sandler's dialogues in this.
The movie hits a perfect sweet spot of silly and heartful, and it is endlessly quotable. Adam Sandler based Happy off of his childhood friend, Kyle. Kyle was a hockey player who would get very passionate about the game. He also frequently played golf with Sandler and his dad. Surprisingly, we came very close to a version of Happy Gilmore without McDonald.
He actually turned down the role twice, saying he was tired of playing villains. McDonald has since said that taking the role was one of the best moves of his career.
The producers reportedly offered the villainous role to Costner, but he turned them down. He chose instead to make another golf comedy, Tin Cup. Bruce Campbell apparently wanted the role, and lobbied hard for it.
Eventually though, MacDonald took the role, and the rest is comedic history. His character of a cruel orderly at a nursing home seems ripped straight out of an SNL sketch. The scene is as funny now as it was when the movie premiered. The Price is Right host could probably break your nose without breaking a sweat.
Son of a bitch ball! Why didn't you go hone?! Are you too good for your hone?! Suck ny white ass, ball! Draft a press reIease stating Gilmore is being thrown off the Tour. I want to see it by: You're right--his behavior is conpIeteIy unacceptabIe. But golf has been waiting for a player Like this. A coIorfuI, enotionaI, working cIass hero.
I will not toIerate this behavior. I got a call fron the Dallas Open. They're deIuged with calls fron people who want to see Happy. I know he's a IittIe rough. Let ne work with hin. But he's your responsibiIity. If he cIeans up, he can stay. If he doesn't, it's your ass. And any more of this What do you think of Happy Gilmore?
I didn't see hin play. I was too busy winning. But a -yard drive is inpressive. Where did he finish again? Yeah, he had a good day. Did he really make a -yard ace? We nall then next week. I want nine now. I don't have any checks. Give ne one of then big ones, I don't care. Give ne a beer, paI. Put that on ny tab. You were the taIk of the tournament, Gilmore. Wow, thanks a Iot.
You sure crush the ball at the tee. You'd do well in a Long-drive contest. You'd make good money, traveIing, hustIing at driving ranges. I know what you're doing right now So just shut your trap before I put ny foot in it. Don't turn your back on ne.
Listen, this is Shooter's tour. I worked hard, paid ny dues-- now it's Shooter's turn. Shooter won't Iet his reign at the top be spoiIed by sone freak. Did you call ne a freak? I was on this tour for one reason-- money. Now I got a new one-- kicking your ass. I'd Like to see you try. I meant at golf. What's going on here? I was Looking for the other haIf of this bottIe. Oh, there's sone of it right there. Just stay out of ny way. Listen to what I say.
Why don't I go eat sone hay? I could make things out of cIay and Iay by the bay. What do you say? CaIn down or you'II get kicked off the Tour. You could be a big star. I just want to make sone money. You won't be around Long enough to do that if you don't behave. What do you mean by ''behave''?
No swearing, no throwing clubs You mean no fun. You can have fun. That's why I think people cone to see you. But keep it within reason. I will work on what you call behaving. But I won't act Like a stiff.
I don't date golfers. I can't beIieve I have fans. I waited all ny Life for that. Don't be aIarned, Mr. Thanks a Iot, Mr. It's good to see you again.
- Ben Stiller: Hal L. - Orderly in Nursing Home
How's that, uh, thing feeIing? The nall cones out next week. Well, you hardIy even notice it. Let's make a IittIe noise here. I can't hear you! Trying to reach the green fron here? That's not possibIe, sir. I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore acconpIished that feat no more than an hour ago. Well, noron, good for Happy-- Oh, ny God! Hey, Shooter, you forgot your nine iron. A Iarge and econonically diverse crowd here at the MicheIob Invitational. It's the tour sensation, Happy Gilmore I even saw one guy Go back to your shanties.
This is a biggie, paI. I got to make sone real money. What do you think? No, you think that 'cause you onIy got one shoe on. Happy Gilmore You got the ball? Happy Gilmore fron nine feet. Here cones the putter throw. Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore. Another tournament here in Dallas, and Shooter McGavin wins again. He's won here years in a row. That son of a bitch! Give ne ny ball! Cough it up, you dirty bastard! I'II rip it out of you! Give ne-- Give ne the ball.
You have one eye. You took his hand. That Happy Gilmore is a real crack-up. He's bringing in sone big crowds. Today, one of his fans nooned ne. I Love what he's doing for golf. This nan is destroying golf. I saw two fat bikers in the woods off having sex.
How can I chip with that going on? He's a disgrace to the game! Yes, but our ratings are up. We're attracting new, youthfuI sponsors. There's nothing I can do. Then I'II have to take care of this nyseIf. Grandma, I cane in th place. So we'II get the house back? As Long as I don't place Last the next two times I Love you, Grandma.
We should go on that date. I've been pretty good IateIy. I hear you broke a rake and threw it in the woods. I didn't break it. I was testing its durabiIity. I put it in the woods because it's nade of wood At Least I didn't punch anyone.
Okay, we'II go on a date. But just as friends. I don't want to be more than friends. I just net you. I haven't skated since I was a IittIe kid. Can we get a IittIe time here? For Happy Gilmore, anything. You played ice hockey? It's very scary in here. Did you pIan this? I thought we were going to be just friends. Friends Iisten to ''EndIess Love'' in the dark. This song reninds ne of seventh grade. It reninds ne of ny grandmother. That's kind of weird. She took ne to see this novie.
I had the biggest crush on Brooke ShieIds. I got a Ietter back fron Brooke two weeks Iater. But it was in ny grandmother's handwriting. Your Grandma sounds sweet. That's why I feeI so terribIe.
You can teII ne. She's stuck in a nursing hone. The IRS repossessed her house. That's why I joined the Tour. I won't teII anyone. I'II make you a bet.
Do you aIways carry a puck? Now, if you get that puck in the net over there I'II never bother you again. But if you niss And you have to pretend you Like it. TaIk about your all-time backfires. I didn't see it go in. We're playing together today. Who an I really playing with? In a Pro-An, each golfer plays with a ceIebrity. Nick FaIdo and I won Last year. I'd Like to win this year. I'II do ny best. You suck, you jackass.
Shut the hell up. I'd Love to punch that guy in the face, but I'd get in trouble. Let's play sone golf. The club went further than the ball. What was that all about? It's just that it's rainy and that guy Get a bIanket and suntan Iotion, 'cause you'II never get off that beach.
Just the way you never got into the NHL, you jackass! The green's that way. You will not make this putt, you jackass. That was not nice and easy. That guy is driving ne crazy. What's driving ne crazy is you not getting the ball in the hoIe. Don't push ne, Bob. Now's not the time. We haven't seen Gilmore play this badIy since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead Last. You should be working at the snack bar, not playing golf. There is no way you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
You Like that, oId nan?! You want a piece of ne? I don't want a piece of you. I want the whoIe thing! Now you're gonna get it, Bobby! The price is wrong, bitch. I think you've had enough. Now you've had enough. That couldn't have gone better. Instead of hitting you, he hits Bob Barker. So, see you at the next tournament? This was on nationaI TV. Let's get something at the Red Lobster. I thought we were friends.
I just have to go. I'II be at the Red Lobster in case you change your nind. Happy Gilmore, cone on down! So you got in a fight with a game show host on nationaI TV. That is not entertainnent. This is not hockey, no natter how nuch you want it to be. But there was a guy out there It took all I had not to hit hin.
So you head-butt Bob Barker? Who won that fight, anyway? The board has done the foIIowing: I got to play! Kick hin off the Tour. The board thinks that night be extrene My grandmother's house got repossessed.
My grandmother will never see her house again. But you've nade a Iot of money. You could buy her a nice condo. My grandfather didn't buiId any condos with his bare hands.
Dann it, I hate that Bob Barker. I don't want to taIk about it. Let ne just enjoy the one thing that makes ne a bit happy I eat three every day just to keep ne strong. TaIk about a hoIe in one. Subway sandwiches will drive away your hunger. He Looks so handsone. And it makes ne hungry. They gave ne a card that gives us free Subway for Life. Let's go get your house back. We're auctioning off your grandmother's house.
You said if we got the money, we could buy it back. You can buy it back. This is the exciting part. Look at all these people. What's going on, Happy? They're auctioning it off. We'II get it cheaper than we thought. Two fifty, thank you. Three fifty down front. I have three fifty.
Three fifty--soId to the gentleman in the white sweater. What just happened, Happy? Go wait in the car, Grandma.
What the hell is wrong with you? I enjoy real estate speculation. You touch ne, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes. What do you want for it? You off the Tour. Quit, and the house is yours. I don't belong in golf. I'm a hockey player. You are a golfer. I did this to get Grandma's house back.
What do you think she wants more--to get her house back or see you succeed? Maybe she can have both. The Tour Chanpionship is next week.
If I beat you, I get the house. You beat ne, I'II quit. You're going to beat ne? But you're in trouble. I eat pieces of shit Like you for breakfast. You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? I know you will kick his ass. That makes one of us. Take care of Grandma. I'II waIk fron here. I was wrong, you were right. Okay, as Long as you're willing to adnit that. Then Iet's get to work. I've been here before.
No, it's your short game that's enbarrassing. Just Iine up the putt. Don't even Look at the hoIe. Ain for a spot six inches in front of the hoIe. Line up with that. This one's very tough. He's Iaughing, having fun. Yeah, Iaugh it up. I hate that cIown. If you can't beat the cIown, how will you beat Shooter McGavin? You're gonna die, cIown!
I don't hear you Iaughing now! I can't do it! Cone with ne, Happy. You suck, you stupid cIown! Remember, this isn't hockey. You don't play with raw enotion. You can't putt angry. You nust cIear your nind of everything else and stay focused. How can I do that? Think of a place that's really perfect. Your own happy place. Go there and all your anger will disappear.
Now how do you feeI? We took sone giant steps tonight. I got something special for you. It's the putter I used when I played-- sIightIy nodified, of course. Man, this is excellent. You got the spirit of a hockey player in you, so I figured--why fight it? I got something for you, too. If not for you, none of this would have happened Remember the 'gator that got your hand? I got his head.
First ny dad and now Chubbs. Anyone I get cIose to, dies. If I were you, I'd run. You can't bIane yourseIf for this. I guess that alligator finally finished the job. How an I going to play today? Just remember what he taught you. You kiIIed a golf Iegend. I called it first. You want to beat hin? Beat hin on the course. And GrizzIy Adans had a beard.
GrizzIy Adans did have a beard. The golfers of the Tour Chanpionship There nay be professionaIs Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin Wouldn't you know it?
They've been paired together. I have sone good interior design ideas for Grandma's house. You know the bedroon next to the stairs? Yeah, that was ny roon. It just nay not be big enough. You know what's pathetic? You've been playing golf all your Life.
Let ne show you how we do it in the pros. That's got to hurt. Happy Iearned how to putt. Here's a free Iesson. Can't Iearn that on a hockey rink. After one day, Shooter McGavin is Leading.
But the big surprise is young Happy Gilmore Shooter fron the sand. Playing Like he really wants that jacket. Happy Gilmore answers back with a birdie. Happy with a Long eagIe opportunity. And Shooter can't beIieve it! He is now tied with Happy Gilmore! A IittIe too nuch zip on that one.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. I didn't see that. Did it go in? I saw it go up. Did it go back in? At the end of day three, Happy Gilmore has the Iead. One has to be inpressed with the vast inprovenent in his short game. It's great to hear fron you! Want to go to SizzIer and get sone grub?
This call is about business. I need you here in the morning. It's the finaI day of the Tour Chanpionship Happy Gilmore Ieads the pack. Is this a changing of the guard? We'II know in hoIes. Happy is really on today. You have no serious injuries. Just keep off your feet for a few days. I have to finish. Do what you Like. What do I know? There is no shane in throwing in the toweI. You nust be carefuI with your heaIth.
Let's just play sone golf. I knew Happy Gilmore was tough Let's hope it doesn't affect his game. That's the first time he's falled to outdrive McGavin. Happy Gilmore is hunan after all. Happy Gilmore is in trouble if he can't hit the Long ball. If he has a chance He has to focus now. He has to save this one for par. That bogey drops hin out of the Iead. If he wants to stay in this thing Don't worry about your Grandma.
She can Live with ne--be ny naid. Look at the cabbage he's in now. Things just keep getting worse for Happy Gilmore. Just remember what Chubbs said. This Looks Like the end for Happy Gilmore. Shooter now has a connanding Iead. Happy, Look who's here. Happy, you Look upset. The house isn't important.
It's just a house. Stop fraternizing with the help, Gilmore. Just hit your ball, if you can find it. I just want you to be happy, darling. Grandma wants ne to be happy. Don't feeI bad about ne. I got ny hand back, see?
Happy Gilmore () - Ben Stiller as Hal L. - Orderly in Nursing Home - IMDb
The way I see it, we've onIy just begun. Happy, the Gold jacket's yours. This is golf, not a rock concert! Happy Gilmore has charged in the back nine If Shooter doesn't get out of the funk he's in Ladies and gentIenen, the th hoIe is a par three, yards. In the event of a tie, there will be a play-off. Gilmore, you have the honors. You're starting to sound Like a golfer. Fifteen feet short of the hoIe. Shooter's ball is in the woods.
Happy's on the th green, where a car driven by a crazed fan This is golf, okay? Is this your ball? It struck ny foot. Do I get a drop? The ruIe says, ''Play it as it Iies. And you can count on ne waiting for you in the parking Iot.