Meet The Parents Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Ben Stiller movie
to marry Pam, or at least did want to until he met her parents. Pam Byrnes Robert DeNiro. Pam's father .. of the ER. An abbreviation for the emergency room of a hospital. “To canvas” a neighborhood is to look everywhere for something. Meet the Parents is a American independent comedy film written by Greg Glienna and . and film director Jay Roach was hired to direct the version of Meet the Parents with Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro in the leading roles. Bad Neighbours is admittedly low on ideas, and far too keen on Zac comes dressed as Travis Bickle, Franco is Meet the Fockers De Niro.
They're-- You'd be surprised how accurate they are. They can tell fairly easily if someone's lying or not. Now I'm gonna ask you some questions, and all you have to do is answer "yes" or "no. Let's give it a whirl. Did you fly on an airplane today? No, it was rare.
It was a little rare for my taste. The needles are jumping. Have you ever watched pornographic videos? No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me. Well, did you lie to him? I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-- What'd you tell him? Your mother walked in Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine? Well, he doesn't need a machine.
He's a human lie detector. Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C. How could you not tell me this? I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly He's in the C.
He was a spy? He is a spy? No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C. You're doing great, okay? This is a lot to take in, honey. Oh, I know, but you're doing fine. I'm not supposed to let the snake out of my cage. I told your dad I wouldn't touch you for hours. Okay, I'm not in junior high anymore, so-- No, no, no.
I want to try to respect his rules, okay? Uh, why don't you go ahead and get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning. Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night. Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger. I'm just being humorous. But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call Let's go inside and have breakfast.
Not at the table, honey, please. You must be Greg. Nice 'do, nice 'do. I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. You can call me Bob Whoa, now, cut that out.
You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry. Hey, why don't I get you a chair, Greg? So, you didn't want to go for the M. No, I actually thought about becoming a doctor, but I decided it wasn't for me. Oh, he did more than okay. Why did you take the test if you weren't planning on going to med school? Well, I wanted to keep my options open, but in the end, nursing was a better fit for me. It gives you the freedom to work in several different areas of medicine.
Wasn't your friend Andy supposed to be here by now? I thought Deb told you. Andy threw out his back. He can't make the wedding. Now I have to reconfigure the whole procession. Um, Bob, why doesn't Greg stand in for Andy, be the usher?
Bob, Greg'll be your second usher. Yeah, yeah, okay, sure. Let's all finish up and get ready to go In that case, I'd better get upstairs Dina, thank you so much for breakfast. Why didn't you wake me up? Don't worry about it. Tell that to Dr. Torquemada in there with the Grand Inquisition.
Go take a shower, get dressed and come back down. No, I don't-- Come on. I just-- No, I don't feel comfortable wearing your dad's underwear. Okay, well, go wake up Denny and borrow some of his. You want me to go wake up your brother who I never met Top of the stairs, turn right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here? I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend. Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude? No, no, she said I could come up here, maybe borrow some clothes from you. Do me a favor. Yeah, so, it's all good.
Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh? No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do. You need some clothes. Yes, that would be-- that would be great. Glad to hook you up. Like what you done with the crib. Yeah, I think these ought a do it. All right, here you go, chief. Thanks a lot, Denny.
Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right? I'll keep it on the lowdown. Larry, Linda, Debbie, Bob, honey. Now, I'm gonna activate the alarm. It'll go off in T minus seconds. I don't think I need a jacket. It's cold out, honey. Here, take Denny's jacket. Hey, Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket, okay?
Denny, how's the tux fit? Dad, uh-- What's that? I-It's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket. This isn't a sculpture, Denny. This is a device for smoking marijuana. I like the top hat. Can I talk to you for a minute? Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Greg? Mm, yeah, I think I got it. Then is there something you wanna tell me? Mm, l-l don't think so. Didn't we have a discussion yesterday in the car about this?
You mean me and Pam. Yes, I would love to talk to you about that. We're not talking about Pam. We're talking about you. See, if I can't trust you, Greg, then I have no choice And once you're out, you're out.
There's no coming back. Mm, well, I would definitely like to stay inside the circle. Well, then, tell me the truth. Jack, I don't know what we're talking about. All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man.
That's what months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown. I thought we were going to Kevin's house. This is Kevin's new house. Oh, this is a crazy house. Not bad, huh, Dad? Maybe he uses marijuana for medicinal purposes. People do that nowadays. Honey, this kid has been lying to us from the moment we met him.
Get in some quality time with the boys? Uh-huh, yeah, it was fun. Listen, I hope this lunch isn't too weird for you. Q at Best Man's" be weird? I was sure I told you. Kevin is Bob's best man. This is his place. How does he know Bob? I was really lucky I was able to salvage this wood Kevin, the house is amazing.
This is where Maybe you should have gotten married here. All right, the sun is out, the grill is hot and the pool is luke. If I can interest you in a swim and a little B. Q, just follow me. It must cost a fortune to heat this place.
I don't know why I thought you knew. It-- It's not a big deal. If I can handle a weekend without sex and cigarettes, I think I can handle an afternoon with your ex-fianc? Now, for the floor that you're walking on, I chose this Bolivian wormwood.
I think it works well in here. I have the Viking range here and the twin Sub-Z's. Yeah, they open up right there. Oh, I get it. Yeah, kind of blend in. Are you a homeowner, Greg? No, no, I rent. So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo? Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I. What line of work are you in? There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff.
I don't have to tell you that. You gotta strike while the iron's hot. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do. Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job. We got time, don't we, Jack? I want to show you what I'm really interested in. It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop. I whittled that out of beech wood. So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ? You're in good company. Well, I'm gonna head to the pool, but why don't you show Greg and Pam the gift?
I put a fresh coat of lacquer on this this morning, so bear with me with the fumes. The little holes are for candles. And then later, they'll collect rainfall. Or you might call it a "ho-puh. I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife.
And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. No, not too bad. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood. Time to start the barbecue, big guy. I better get back to playing host. Okay, you guys, grab your suits, and I'll meet you down at the pool.
I don't even have a suit with me. The airline lost my bag and-- [Jack] Pamcake, let's go. Mom's got your suit here. You better get going. And, by the way, she just had the nicest things to say about you.
Yeah, we had some good times together. Boy, she is a tomcat. So, let me hook you up with some trunks, Gregger. I'm not gonna swim. I'm not taking no for an answer. What's it gonna be? Ah-- How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog? I think they call that "the munchies. Hit the ball, Kev!
Show 'em what you got! You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball. Greg is afraid of the ball. We're gettin' cold in here.
If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense. Larry, keep floatin' where you are. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah. I bet you would, Panama Red. You gotta spike those, Focker! You gotta spike those! Fire it up there, Focker! It's only a game, Focker! Deb, you can totally see Voit backwards on your forehead. Go over the song selection with Bob. Are you a Mr. You go through it, make sure it's all there?
I just wanna make sure you're okay since hitting the spike heard 'round the world. I'm really sorry about that.
I don't know what got into me, Iceman. Is that a special thing Stop it. Top Gun was a very popular movie when Kevin and I dated. Do you want to be Maverick? Is that what this is all about? I can't be Maverick. He used to be, but we can change that. Um, can he be Goose? No, because Goose dies in the end.
Honey, I don't really-- Greg, shut up. Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking? Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here? I'd say rounding - This is Greg's room, Dad. We're gonna use it for storage. Greg will stay in Debbie's room, and she'll bunk up with you tonight. I'll be right up. They found your suitcase.
Hey, Jack, I don't quite know what happened back at the tux shop, but if I've given you the wrong impression regarding Pam in any way, I'm sorry. I have nothing but the best intentions with Pam, and I-I just-- Actually, there's something in the suitcase here that I'm planning on giving her Did you flush this toilet? Maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy come in last night, and he took a little squat and relieved himself. Jinx knows not to use that toilet, and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
You're really on a roll there, bud. In hours, I'm having a wedding here, so I need my cesspool pumped now! That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing. Jack, I told you. Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet.
He's a cat, for chris sakes! The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker. Over by the tree, right? Not on the lawn! Stay where you are. I got my mojo workin' Just won't work on you I got my mojo workin' Just won't work on you Oh-- I know that's what I said I wanted, 'cause that's what I wanted. It is a black Samsonite suitcase.
What I'm saying is, do you think it's possible that the Samsonite people, in some crazy little scheme to actually turn a profit, made more than one? I am going to need your baggage claim number again. Could I talk to your supervisor?
When he gets back, have him give me a call right away. It's a very important bag. I'm sure it is, sir. Don't ask me what it's for. I need you to do this thing. Please, I'm in a time situation here, so just do it. So the name's "Greg Focker"? Greg didn't ace his med school boards. He never even took the goddamn MCATs. Oh, Jack, that's what you had your sources check out? What this poor boy did on some test scores? I bet he doesn't even have a real nursing degree.
A lot of these hospital workers are just pill poppers looking for easy access to ludes. We already know that he's been puffin' the magic dragon.
I knew the little crack was lying. Come here, little Jinxy. He did not lie to me, Dad. He lied to you when I thought you should know the truth. I love you too much to see you get hurt. I don't care what your information says, Dad. Greg took the MCATs. All right, stand back. Somebody call right away! We checked every yard, every car on the street. He's not up in any of the trees, Jack. We checked all the bedrooms. Jinx isn't up here.
Yeah, none of the neighbors have seen him either. You tried to milk him, didn't you, you sick son of a bitch! Honey, please calm down. How can I calm down What do you mean, "the ring bearer"? Your daddy didn't tell you? He taught Jinx to walk down the aisle with this little pillow. No, you didn't, Dad. You put this around the neck, and these ribbons are for the rings. Oh, for Chris sakes! Yeah, but now we have to postpone the rehearsal.
Bob, you ride with me. Larry, you come with your car. We're gonna canvass the neighborhood. Dee, ask O'Boyle to wait. If we're not back in an hour, we'll reschedule the rehearsal for the morning. We cannot cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat! How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you! We're supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
You're gonna fill in as the ring bearer for now. I'm not wearin' that stupid pillow thing on my head. You just go and wander the streets without food, water or toilet? They brought in a Himalayan a little while ago. Uh, no, let me see that photo again. You gotta picture him without that stupid Santa cap. You see, in the picture, your cat has an all-black tail. And this one has a white tip.
No, I'm sorry about that, chief. Looks just like him. Except for that tail. Robert Banks-- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this beautiful day Robert Banks and Debra Byrnes in holy matrimony.
This is a special day-- He found him! Look, Dad, it's Jinx. Oh, my little baby! Greg, thank you so much. This is so great. Gave us a little scare, huh? Oh For once in my life I got someone who needs me To Greg.
He's in the restroom. Yes, I tried there. I've tried every shelter on the north shore, okay? He's a brown-and-black Himalayan with an all-black tail. I'll call you back. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy. I'm just glad I could help out. We never did get to finish that little "convo" back at the den. So, when you have a minute, there is still something I'd like to talk to you about.
We'll get right to it as soon as we get back. You have my word. I'm gonna hold you to that. Guess who's back in the circle of trust. Maybe I should ask him to dance.
What do you think? I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. I saw some beech wood outside. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but-- Come on. Part of you wishes you ended up with him. Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out. I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you. That's a good explanation. Thought you'd like that. I called you like half an hour ago.
Okay, I already-- I already described it. Uh, it's, uh-- It's brown It's Hank MacAtee from next door. You'll never guess who wandered over here this afternoon. Yeah, he's not wearing his collar, but, uh, I'm sure it's Jinxy.
Thought you might be worried, so just give me a jingle when you guys get home, and I'll bring the little rascal over. Okay, well, if you could just keep checking, please, and I'll call you back later. No, they're still looking. Hey, Jack, this is a great party. I guess sometimes these things sort of come together in their own kooky sort of way. Yeah, it's kind of like the way you found Jinxy.
You know, there's something about that ball of fur You haven't seen any of his latest tricks, have you? Well, when we get back, I'll show you. We don't have to do it tonight. He's had a long day. I wouldn't want to-- No, I think he'd like to show you tonight.
Why don't you give me the key and let me drive? Why don't I drive? It's a very expensive car. I've always wanted to test-drive a Benz. Be my guest, Focker. Get in the car, honey. Get your seat belts on. Focker, Benz drives like a dream, Lar. Yeah, just trying to make good time. What the heck is the matter with you? We're gonna be home. We're gonna get home. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not the autobahn.
You were supposed to make that left at the light, Focker. Who gave him the keys? Yeah, we've had enough excitement. It was the cat! Jinx, I'm gonna-- - [Shrieking] - Calm down! Cat got out, Jack! Greg, what's he talking about? Hank MacAtee called me a couple of hours ago and told me he found Jinxy. He took his collar and put it on an impostor.
Then he spray-painted his tail, and then he tried to beat us back here Please tell me that's not true, Greg. It was just a temporary solution until I could find the real Jinx. That you set Kevin's altar on fire? Well, it wasn't intentional. I was chasing Jinx up onto the roof. I had a smoke, and I think I might have lit something that-- I don't know what happened. He put so much goddamn lacquer on that thing. It was an accident waiting to happen.
This is very disappointing, Greg. Get out of my house, Focker, and take your friend with you. So you lied to me about everything, huh, Greg? You lied about the cat, about the fire, about the MCATs.
I didn't lie about the MCATs. Don't you see what's happening here? You did that to yourself. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here. I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty. You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty. Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack.
What's he talking about, Dad? Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets I don't know what you're talking about. Cat got your tongue?
Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding. Round and round we go, Jack. I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous You know what I'm talking about.
Where the guy gave you the passports and the documents. Or how about your little phone call in Thai? Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well. I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired. He's still very much in the C. You stupid son of a bitch! You just blew it! Ko Samui is an island off the coast of Thailand! That guy I was meeting in the parking lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent.
Thanks a lot, J. I just, um-- You know, if this nursing thing doesn't work out, Focker, I'd say you definitely have a career in espionage.
Well, I guess I'm gonna go to the airport now. I guess you're gonna stay here. Pam, l-- - Gaylord M. That's not what it says on the form.
It's my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since I was in third grade. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So your name's Gay Focker? It's just it's not [Laughing] Come on. Now look what you've done. Would you want me to book you the seat? Did you want to check any bags today? We should be all right with only one usher, don't you think? I'm not so sure, Jack.
Thought you might like to see this. I called Gaylord, a. Greg's parents in Detroit. They saved his SAT scores too, in case you're interested. It-- That doesn't matter if he did well on some test. What does that prove? Look at this place! He almost destroyed the wedding because he lied! I love you, Dad, but you can be a real jerk sometimes. So what if he took the MCATs? He's still not good enough for Pam.
Nobody has ever been good enough for your Pam. I mean, do you realize that you never even warmed up to Kevin until she broke up with him? Maybe it's time you think about what Pam wants. I'm sure you're in the air by now, so I guess you'll just get this when you get home.
Uh-- Listen, I am so sorry. I acted like a complete idiot, and I hope that you can forgive me. I mean, I-I don't care about the fire or the cat or-- I mean, I can't believe you actually spray-painted a cat. That's actually really gross, but th-the point is that-- that I understand why you did it, and-- and I love you.
I want you to know that I really-- I really, really love you, and, uh-- When you get this, will you please call me? Marty, listen, I need a commercial flight I. Four-hour sweeps, backwards and forwards. We're only boarding rows nine and above right now. You'll have to wait. Well, I'm in row eight. Please step aside, sir. It's just one row. Don't you think it's okay if l-- We'll call your row momentarily. Thank you for waiting. We'd like to continue boarding the aircraft now.
We're now boarding all rows, please. Okay, where's the fire, huh? You're gonna have to check that. Well, I think that Roz and Bernie seem like very nice people. A little off-colour, but very nice. But isn't it wonderful, Jack? After all this build-up, the kids are finally getting married. I feel so happy. I think he just spoke. Little Jack, were you about to speak? Nope, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, honey?
Guys, where are you going? We're checking out Jack's macho-wacho trailer. I want to see that boob. Can I talk to you for a sec? Hey, listen, don't let Moses go in there. They have a cat. Moses is perfectly trained-- Dad, he humps everything that moves. Honey, he's like his father. I never cheated on you. They're not listening to me. They seem to be getting along really well, don't you think?
I kind of feel bad that I worried so much. I'm two weeks late. I'm nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I can smell everything. You're gonna have a baby. Oh, we're gonna have a little baby, a baby. You realize your father is going to kill me? No, no, no, no, no. He's not gonna find out because we're not going to tell him. He's a human lie detector. He lives to sniff out stuff like this. We'll get through this weekend, we'll get through tomorrow. And-- and-- and we'll tell them on Sunday before we go.
We'll tell them all. I just hate the idea of keeping secrets from your dad. It's just one little secret. Welcome to the chateau. No wonder they don't want to sleep in our shit box.
Look at this place. I-- I don't think the dog is such a good idea. Moses is more of a lover than a fighter. He's always dreamt of me having a white wedding. You don't know how upset he's gonna be. No, I do know. Dad, I told you to keep him out of the RV. He said he wanted to see the RV. Get that goddamn dog out of here! Jinx, don't do it. I'm gonna save you! The cat can flush? Get out of the way! What the hell are you doing? I got to get my dog! What about my toilet? So much for the protection of our rolling safe house.
Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet? Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion. Sorry about the trailer, Jack. There's no way we're not telling him this weekend.
That's what I was saying. So, what do you wanna do? I never thought this'd be an issue. I thought we'd be married before we got pregnant. Why don't we move the wedding up to next month? Then we'll tell your dad you got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh, my God, yeah, that could work. Just follow my lead. Without further ado, my famous Focker Fondue. Come on, dig in. Get it while it's hot. That is so impressive, Bernie.
Did you do that yourself? I love to cook.
I can't even fry an egg. I'm amazed he finds the time to cook with such a high-powered legal career. I wouldn't exactly call-- Uh-oh! Why did you kick me? I kick-- kicked you because you're being modest and you should tell people that you are a good lawyer, which he is, a- a-and he has fought some really big, important legal battles.
Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad. Oh, believe me, he won a trial or two in his day.
Extremely good trial lawyer. A regular Clarence Darrow. So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job? Honey, come on, you could say he had the hardest job.
Oh, he's-- he's just kidding. Why don't we jump into the topic of the hour, hmm, the big Focker-Byrnes wedding. I know we've been talking about a-- a fall wedding Our former housekeeper, Isabel. You know, she has her own catering business now, isn't that great? And-- and I asked her to come and help Bernie in the kitchen this weekend.
You didn't tell me she was here. Gay had a monster crush on her when he was a teenager. I didn't have any monster crush. You didn't tell me about that. Because it's not true. Then I didn't catch you doing baziga to her passport photo when you were, what,? I walk in the door Oh, there's my baby! I-- I haven't seen you in years. I had a boob job. This is, uh, Dina and Jack Byrnes. Nice to meet you, too. Not yet married, and already a little one?
And he is a handsome little Focker. He's not a Focker. And still you stayed to raise her child? No, he's Pam's nephew. He has no connection to Greg whatsoever. I love you, too. Those aren't for you. I think I'll take him inside. You're a very lucky woman, Pam. He's very special, this one. I think so, too. Oh, I could tell you some stories about him. Oh, she's just being silly. Nice to meet you all. Nice to meet you. Hey, do you guys want some more, uh, wine?
Mas vino por la mama, si. Hey, you did good, Greg. She's very pretty, this one, huh? Yeah, she's, uh, she's really great. Can you believe it's been years? So many wonderful memories from those days. Yes, lot of wonderful, kind of private memories.
Um, no, I don't think I did. I don't, I think, I don't think it ever came up on my end. Not that I didn't want her to know. It just, never really Yeah, and not that, I-- I mean, not that it wasn't great. It was really, you know, for me it was like And you were so helpful and-- and-- Don't you worry, baby. Your secret's safe with me. But, good, yeah, maybe if we keep it quiet this weekend and then Because, yeah, I don't want Pam to feel uncomfortable.
And then later, when it's the proper, you know, setting, I can Okay, yeah, okay, good. Oh, and fondue, fondue is going-- is goin' over. Gay, you're just in time to hear me tell the gang how you lost your virginity to Isabel.
You s-slept with Isabel? Why-- why would you, why-- why would you bring that up? It was, what, years ago. Honey, your father thought that it'd be fun to share stories about our first time. That sounds like fun. Come on, tell us how you popped your cherry. I really don't feel comfortable discussing that with you, Bernard.
I suggest that we get back to talking about the wedding. Mom, didn't you just take Little Jack back to the room? I'm monitoring him from a high-powered multidirectional microphone planted in his crib. Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy? Bernie, surveillance technology has helped protect a lot of the freedoms that we as Americans take advantage of today.
It has been good. S- son, that is bullcrap in a chef's salad. The Central Lack of Intelligence Agency. I think that baby might need a couple of pulls on that knocker of yours, Jack. You let him cry it out.
This way he doesn't depend on coddling. On the other hand, the Continuum Concept shows that a baby benefits more from constant physical contact. We use the Ferber Method. We used the Focker Method. We hugged and kissed that little prince like there was no tomorrow. Greggy practically slept in our bed till he was. Oh, I don't think it was quite that long. Mom, I don't think so. I didn't sleep in their bed all that time. Bernie, get the photo album. I'm one step ahead of you.
No, no, no, we're eating dinner, come on. These are the curls from his first trip to the barbershop. Nobody wants to see this.
Oh, and you kept all of his baby teeth. Look at his darling little teeth, isn't that sweet? Uh-oh, somebody looks very grumpy there. Oh, that's Gay with the mohel. He's the man who snips the baby's little winkydink. See, that's Greg getting circumcised, right here. We had the ceremony at my parents' house but there was a cold snap and The heater conked out.
No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greg's tiny little turtle from its shell. Let's not talk about the tiny turtle, okay? Honey, half the people at this table have penises. Make a long story short, Jack, he wound up with a semicirc. I can't wait to hear this. It's a cross between an ant eater and-- A German Army helmet. You wanted to talk about the wedding, right? Don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord. Of course not, that's Greg's foreskin.
All right, you know what? That's-- that's enough humiliation. No, I'm not having fun. Why deny us our memories? Anyone in the mood for Chinese? You told me your first time was with the Danish transfer student in high school. Yeah, well, you weren't exactly forthcoming about your engagement with Kevin.
Yeah, well, he wasn't my babysitter. Okay, I should have told you, all right. Can we just let it go, please? We both got enough stuff to deal with this weekend.
How do you mean? I know that you are studying my family like the frozen caveman. So, I just, I don't want you to be worried, okay? I mean, they're a little quirky, but they-they're well-intentioned and-- and I think they're just nervous and Greg, I am sure tomorrow will be a better day.
I thought you ordered room service. Are you sure you don't want any whipped cream with your sundae? I'm Chad, the bellhop.
Oh, no, come on, we did that last week. Can't you be Sam the carpet-cleaning man? Why would a carpet cleaner have whipped cream? I'm here to clean your carpet. Do you mind if I put some foam down on your rug? I don't mind at all. Okay, sleep well, Jack. How long-- how long have you worked in this hotel? It's time to put some snow on your mountains. Come on, I'm gonna get some whipped cream on those Tetons.
Come back in the morning, tootsie roll. Gay, you see the cowboy hat on the door? Cowboy hat is off the door! No cowboy hat this weekend! Just stop doing what you're doing! Come on, man, you know what that cowboy hat on the door means.
Will you please help me out here? We're just being ourselves. I think he's saying not to be ourselves. Yes, be yourselves but be yourself in a way that's a little less than being your full selves, okay. I don't understand this. I mean, why you're so afraid of this Jack? You've been kissing his ass ever since you got here. Mom, I'm not afraid of him, okay. I can't believe you went duck-hunting with him. Our people don't shoot ducks. Just make Jack feel a little more comfortable here, okay?
So you don't want us to be ourselves? No, I just don't want you to break his RV, Dad, and-- and-- and reveal that I had sex with Isabel and play weird sex games that everybody can hear in the house. If you ask me, it wouldn't be so bad if your future in-laws heard this.
Do me a favour. Just don't therapize the Byrneses this weekend at all, okay? All I'm saying is, a few minutes of concentrated work with him and Dina, she could get him to blow like Krakatoa. Right, okay, yeah, you know what? One day, just give me one day, okay, without any complications. We get through it, everybody goes off, we go on with our lives. Can we do that? You got it, dude. Hon, put the hat back on the door, okay? No cowboy hat this weekend.
Okay, but tonight doesn't count. I slept all right, thank you. It's nice, all of us being here together, don't you think? Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy? Bernie, this fritatta is wonderful. Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet.
I've never washed it. Hey, guys, can I have everybody's attention, please? Gay, be back in a second. Mom, I know we've been-- we've been talking about having the, uh, wedding in October, but Pam and I have been doing a little thinkin' and playing around with some ideas and, uh, we're thinking of moving it up to June. That's-- that's in a month. I always wanted a spring wedding, you know. Well, that's great, so we can announce it at the party tonight.
Oh, your father and I are throwing a little engagement soiree for you two lovebirds. I thought we were just having a nice quiet dinner. It was supposed to be a surprise. The phone keeps ringing, the list keeps growing. Yeah, now, it's up to Fockers. When were you going to tell us about this?
What could be better? Dad, what are you doing? We never play football. I'm trying to cement relationships here. Jack said he was into footy ball. Let's show EI Stiffo how we play the game. Come on, come on, let's play! I'm feeling a little tired. I think I'll sit it out with Little Jack, okay? Honey, you want me to keep you company? No, Dina, come on, you and I will take on Jack and Roz. Come on, Jack, it'll be fun, we'll swap wives.
Don't worry, you'll get her back after the game. Fine, we'll play three on two. But someone needs to be official quarterback. Gay goes both ways. I'll bet he does.
I'll run a down-and-in, draw in the defence, then you'll hit Roz here in the end zone for a TD. What do you mean? He hits me where with a what? I'll throw you the ball, you try to catch it, okay. You want me to catch? Hut one, hut two, hike! Come on, this way! That way, that way, that way. You remember that time in the park? Guys, come on, come on, cut it out. I'm so proud of you.
I caught the ball. I caught the ball! Come on, huddle up. Dina, come on, let's go. You want a spritzer? All right, come on. Dad, you got to focus, all right? He's beating you down the field every time. You want me to be macho-wacho? Have I ever said the words macho-wacho to you in my life? I won't disappoint you. Okay, let's try again, I'm gonna run a stop and go. Fake the short pass, then hit me here in the end zone with a Hail Mary. Yeah, we keep running that play. You want to mix it up a little?
I've exposed Bernie's weakness and I want to take advantage of it. Just you and me, Jack. You think you can take me, Flowerman?
I'm pretty sure I can, Mr. You're going down, Bernsie-boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet. Sell the pump fake, Greg, 'cause that Focker's gonna bite. Hut one, hut two, hut three, hut four. Are you all right? Hey, Jack, you okay? I'm fine, Greg, thank you. I see that kind of injury all the time at the hospital. I wish you'd let me give you a quick exam. No, I'm, I'm fine. I told you I'll have my doctor look at it when I get home. You know, it's amazing how your father anticipated the pump fake like that.
It's almost like he knew it was coming. Well, he definitely takes competition seriously. How a man handles himself on the football field says a lot about his character. Know what I mean? We got him, didn't we, dude, huh? No, Dad, he wasn't. That was a really hard shot.
You could've hurt him. I just wanted it to be a fun game but you wanted to win, so, you know, you got me all steamed up. No, I asked you to play a little defence, I didn't ask you to turn it into a blood sport. I play too easy. I play too hard. What are you really asking me to do, Gaylord? I'm not asking anything of you, Dad. Just-- just go down there and apologize to him, okay?
He thinks it was a cheap shot. I can't win with this kid. So, how far along is Pam? Come on, honey, I knew it the minute I saw her. Her boobs are bigger. No wine at dinner, no football. She just found out yesterday. My bubeleh's going to have a baby!
Meet the Fockers () - IMDb
My bubeleh's going to be a father! Tell me, talk to me, so this is so exciting. You didn't tell Dad, did you? No, no, Mom, you can't tell him. Because he can't keep a secret. You think Jack knows? That guy's in such denial, he still thinks his daughter is still a virgin. Yeah, I know, he's very old-fashioned. That's why Pam can't tell him till after the wedding.
Mom, it isn't, believe me. You don't know him like I do. My lips are sealed. I am so excited and thrilled for you. So happy for you two! Did you plan this? Uh, no, it just sort of happened. How did it happen? You know-- you know how it happens. I mean, I'm not going into the details.
Honey, I love details. Well, you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level. Mom, I am truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been saying it since I was. What say you and me go into town? I got a guy who can fix your RV. I'm in far too much physical agony, Bernie.
Gee, I'm sorry, but it'll be good for you, you know, to, you know, to get out and about. I can take the girls shopping in Coconut Grove. Little Jack is on a very specific napping schedule. I better stay here. Greg can watch him. He has wonderful parental instincts. Dad, Greg deals with little kids in the ER all the time. They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing. Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?
Now, remember, Greg, we're Ferberizing him. So unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances should you pick him up or coddle him in any way when he cries. He's learning to self-soothe, that means no television, no unapproved toys, and most of all, no monkey business of any kind.
Shall we get a move on, pal-o-mino? I love this, Roz. This is a great find. Oh, good, and it's loose, so you can wear it even if you gain a few pounds. Honey, are you all right? You look a little flushed. Oh, it's just the heat. It takes some getting used to. I'm going to try this on. Now, madame, let's find something sexy for the momma to wear.
Look at this little number. I think this will get Jack's blood flowing. Jack would have a coronary. Oh, Dina, talk to me. What's really going on with that man? He seems very uptight. Jack's always been a little wound up. His job was very stressful.
Being a florist is stressful? There's more to it than people think. If you don't mind me asking, how is your sex life? I can't tell you that. What's the big deal? Dina, I'm a sex therapist, specializing in senior sexuality. I knew those weren't yoga mats. But you're not dead, either. Lots of couples our age lack intimacy in their marriages. I didn't say we weren't intimate. There are special occasions. You know, anniversaries and Well, on our anniversary.
I beg your pardon. I think that I can help you and Jack reconnect. Well, it all starts with a little bit of, uh, how shall I say, intimate contact.
Every pleasure in the body can be stimulated through the ears. I'd give it a shot with Jack tonight. What's goin' on over here?
Nothing, just having some girl talk.
Here's the deal, L. I'm going to give you a few minutes of attention. But you have to promise that you don't tell Grandpa Jack anything, okay?
Okay, I don't quite know what that means, but I'm going to trust you. A little huggie-wuggie never hurt anybody. I know we aren't supposed to watch TV but we won't tell Grandpa Jack, will we?
Oh, look, look, it's Elmo. Do you like fishes? You don't like fishes? Hey, I got an idea. Let's see what pre-approved genius toys Grandpa Jack has in his big basket of fun. Oh, look, look, it's a-- it's a-- an abacus. Abacuses aren't that much fun, are they? I don't know why people think they're fun. It's-- it's bolts on a plank. No, not very fun. No, no, no, you don't want to say that word.
We don't want to say that. That's a bad word. I thought this was a repair shop. Oh, this is better. That's Isabel's son, Jorge. So, I think you got a tear in the bilateral valve. Jorge, what did I tell you? No more tinkering until you finish your science homework. Uh, I was going to finish it but, uh, Mr. Gerson is out with, uh, rickets. He said definitely don't do it until his rickets are-- are cured. And, you know, I-- I-- I really-- Who knows if he's ever telling the truth?
Bernie, I made chimichangas. Have you ever known me to turn down a chimi? Jack, you in the mood, amigo? Why are you looking at me funny? I-- I-- I said-- Oh, no, no. You just look like somebody I know.
No, no, no, no. Can you say tadpole? Is your father the mechanic? Oh, I-- I don't know, I never met him. Never met your dad, huh? Mind if I take a picture of you? You know, just for fun. Just hang on a second there. How's it going with the little one?